So many things happened this night.
First, I read a blog posted by my friend (https://husnabegum321.wordpress.com/2016/03/25/first-blog-post/ ) who made me realise how many things we got in common. Read her blog and you’ll understand.
After, I got in an argument with someone that I love so much. Everything started because of me.
Most of the time I’m alone. Which is one of my biggest fears. To be alone. It always makes me so depressed and makes me feel like I need someone around me to speak to. I realised that if there is no college, I don’t get to see my “friends” to keep me distracted from being depressed. I daily struggle with this situation when I wake up alone and I don’t even get to say a word to anyone. Not even a “Good morning”. Days are passing and I don’t even leave my house because I don’t have a reason to go outside.
The moment I got in a relationship I thought this feeling is going to disappear. I thought my love is going to be with me all the time and is going to keep me distracted from all those depressing thoughts. Which obviously is not true. Being in a relationship doesn’t mean necessary being with each other 100% of the time. But that’s what I thought. I was so sure that I’m right and that there is no reason being in a relationship if you still feel alone.
I realise the feeling of loneliness is not created only by your significant other. Is created by family and friends as well. Even if I’d be with the one I love all the time, I would still feel like I don’t have any friends or that I miss my family. I will always have a reason to feel lonely.
Like I said previously, I got in an argument, and it was only because of me and because I think I know everything and I’m not careful to what I say. This is another thing I’m struggling with. Being careful of what I say.
So many times happened to cross the line, to not realise what I just said. To insult someone so bad and after a while to regret everything I said. I’ve done it to important people in my life.
This is why we basically started arguing. Because I, again, said something I should have never said. And why did I say “again”? Because this was my second time. I’ve done the same mistake before and I thought I learned my lesson, but I didn’t. I hurt one important person in my life just with some words I didn’t mean to say.
Now, after I regret everything I said this night, I live in this fear of opening my mouth and saying something. I will always be afraid that what I am about to say, might hurt someone.
(Ps: I’m very sorry)