The huge explosion 

 

It took me so long to realise and finally accepted this about myself. I’m not going to try to hide it again because is making more bad then good. 

If you’ve been reading my previous posts you know the blogpost where I said I wasn’t depressed. Today I realised I lied. I am depressed. It was my unconscious who tried to hide it. But today all my thoughts exploded in me. I’m overthinking. And I scared. 

What happened was this. I told one of my friends that I don’t understand some stuff in my psychology class. She told my teacher to help me more and the teacher emailed me that he’s going to help me. I wasn’t mad at all that she told him that, but I was mad at myself that I couldn’t tell myself. The reason I didn’t tell him was that I feel embarrassing to ask for help. All I need help right now is with concentration. I lost that long ago. These days I can’t do anything. I feel like nothing I do is productive. The only moment I feel okay is when I’m with my friends. That’s the only moment I feel like never leaving. Even when I need to study, I’m always trying to make excuses to myself to not go and study. Because when I’m also I start thinking about life and future. ( *life & future= the two terms that puts me in difficulties) So I founded distraction in my friends. But of course my friends can’t be with me all the time, so there’s always going to be a moment when I’ll be alone and start thinking again. Like couple of minutes ago after the friend that told my teacher about me texted me to apologise for saying that to the teacher. Because I send her a message that I hate her. But it was only a joke. After I read the message she sended to me I realised I was in depression. That’s the reason that makes me stuck. I burst into tears. That was it. The moment I was waiting for. The reality finally hit me with everything. I don’t know how will I get rid of this but I hope I will soon! 

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